Trolling My Way Into An FBI Swab

 

UPDATE: A lot of people are calling this fake, for some reason. So I dug up an old post from my stalker: https://groups.google.com/g/soc.women/c/fxnD_6q46lc/m/UhuloqRap8oJ

I used to have a pretty big Internet footprint, back when the web was much smaller, and Usenet was king. I spent way too many years in school, flaming and trolling eighteen hours a day. Consequently, if I was ever offline for an extended period of time, it was noticed. 2002 was just such a time. I had graduated from LSUE, having spent an extra year there, acquiring useless transfer credits, and then moved to Ruston to attend Louisiana Tech University.

When I got there, I set up a new account. New ISP, new IPs, new Usenet account. And I decided to make a funny. Well, it was funny to me, anyway.

My first post was in all caps, signed with my wife’s name, and her real phone number.

“SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW MY HUSBAND JASON. HE’S BEEN ARRESTED FOR THE RAPE AND MURDER OF THREE PROSTITUTES IN THE EUNICE AREA. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION THAT CAN FREE OR CONVICT HIM, PLEASE CONTACT ME.”

Immediately, the email began flying, which I ignored. “Is this for real, bro?”, “Are you just fucking with us again?”, etc.

I got up from the computer and giggled, having successfully started another shitstorm. And walked into the living room.

“POLICE CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR THE BATON ROUGE SERIAL KILLER…”

It was then and there that I got the feeling that I might have fucked up.

To make matters worse, I had previously attracted my very own insane stalker, who went by the name ICEKNIFE. The fact that I ran the hipster site Reptilian Watch didn’t help. Plus, I was in a somewhat edgy death metal band of some slight underground renown, Gortician.

Here’s a fun death threat letter I got from ICEKNIFE in the mail:

 

Anyway, as obsessive stalkers do, this dude was all over the CourtTV message boards, local news sites, Usenet, telling everyone who would listen that he had figured out who the Baton Rouge Serial Killer was, and throwing my name around every chance he got. Which was considerable.

I should mention that a girl had gotten her head almost completely cut off at UL before I left Lafayette a few years previously, and a female professor from Tech went missing shortly after I arrived in Ruston. Unfortunate coincidences, I assure you.

A month or two of this, and I got a call from the Monroe FBI field office.

“Mr. Christie, we have received 14,000 tips, and 15 were about you. We’d like to come and test your DNA.”

I explained the situation and said, "Sure".

The local field agent was a good ole’ boy, and we had a bit of a laugh at the circumstances. He was accompanied by a D.C. profiler. She was literally Scully. Tall*, beautiful, redhead. And she was good at it. As he and I spoke outside, we moved around, slightly. She was always just outside of my field of vision. Like a ninja detective.

Eventually I spit in a cup**, and that was the end of it. No, I wasn’t the Baton Rouge Serial Killer.

A few months later, I got another call from the same Monroe field agent.

“Mr. Christie, we meet again. I understand you work for Lt. Matthew Stroud. Would you be interested in giving grand jury testimony…?”

But that’s a story for another day...

*Apparently Scully was short. 

** I misspoke. It was a big Q-Tip. 

Wow! Thanks for the reads! I'm an author. My books are full of crazy stuff. Radar Love on Amazon.

Or just check out Zombie Killa Part 1 of 6 (Audiobook) for free. https://soundcloud.com/the-original-high-c/zombie-killa-part-1

I also trolled my way into a Simpsons nod. And into Wired, Wikipedia, and IMDB.