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Monday, June 11, 2012

Preview My New Fantasy Title

Two years ago, my girlfriend moved in with me. Well, she had already moved in with me, but her books moved in with us sometime after that.

I had already written my first book for her, or was in the process of finishing it, as well as finishing Pageburner and Hurricane Regina at her behest. They became her books as well. Actually, I had written Pageburner about her and wasn't even aware of it at the time.

This is how sweet she is. She asked me to write a book for her, and I did. Radar Love stands as one of the all-time great romance novels of all time. I don't like to brag. Anyway, when she unpacked her books, they were all fantasy titles. She asked me to write a book for her, but never let me know what her favorite sort of book was. Silly me, I never asked.

This is an effort to make up for that. It is "Discworld" to Perfect Me's "Hitchhiker's Guide". I think I do better at imitating Douglas Adams than Terry Pratchett, personally.

The character Moog, I realized later, was lifted from Tom Robbins' "Jitterbug Perfume". In that story, the necromancer is named Noog. Close enough. Let's call it an homage instead of outright theft. It's only fair, as Queen Diamond is also a thinly-disguised Queen Tilly from "Still Life With Woodpecker"...

At any rate, it's about two-thirds completed or so, and I'm about to finish up and publish the sequel to Perfect Me, so this will be my next finished novel after that. It was originally called Princess Academy, until I learned there was already a book by that title...


"The perfect king and his wife, the perfect queen, lived in their perfect castle with their twelve perfect children..."

"Wait a minute," the queen said. "If I'm commissioning a story from you, I have to be the voice of dissent already. None of us meet the impossible standard of 'perfect'."

"Look, I'm I'm a necromancer and an alchemist. If you want me to be your court scrivner as well, you're simply going to have to grant me some concessions and leeway."

"Blah, blah, blah," the queen said. "You use a lot of big, anachronistic words."

"I should point out that you just used the word 'anachronistic'."


"Look, nice lady. I have a story to write, if you don't mind."

"Fine, fine," she said. "Although I feel compelled to point out that you haven't even produced silver, much less gold."

"Right. And now you want me to write full time, as well. Great. No pressure."

"Well, hows about you combine the two acts? Turn the writing into gold."

"Well, that's so crazy it just might work. It's at least as plausible as turning lead into gold."

"Maybe if you wrote in pencil?"

"That's graphite, actually."

"No one likes a smart-ass, dear."

"It beats the alternative. Usually"

The necromancer, Moog being his name, pulled out his pocketwatch thingie, which always confounded the queen.

"Why are you always fiddling with that thing?"

"Passes the time. But I have neither bars nor minutes. And my charger ran away."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing. It's a necromancer thing. You wouldn't understand."

"Okay. I'm going take a nappy-nap. Wake me if you produce gold in the interim."

"I'll get right on that," he said. Moog was a bit sarcastic and caustic.

Instead, he went to his bungalow and whipped up a batch of ground unicorn horn, which he loved and snorted regularly. It certainly enhanced the writing, at times.