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Saturday, June 23, 2012

6 Kick-Ass Video Games You *Will* Get To Play

I read an article on Cracked not long ago about the 6 Greatest Video Games We'll Never Get To Play, and I was a little pissed off. Not that I really want to play Duke Nukem Forever or whatever. So I gave it a moment's thought, and here are six kick-ass video games you will get to play, and they're better than the ones you won't get to play.

The game changer? Augmented reality. I've been an AR researcher  for more than twenty years now, and the time is finally almost here. Welcome to Japan fifteen years ago. Get your Google Goggles and roll your own.







1. Star Wars Holographic Chess - What geek of the past thirty years hasn't wanted to play this? It could even come with a little round chess board to put on the coffee table. Statistically, 68% of Star Wars fans would choose this over Slave Leia. Which is understandable, as she's like 62, now. Plus, I don't recall seeing any new releases of Battle Chess in a while. Not that I look.
2. Little Green Army Men - If you're old enough to have seen Star Wars the first time around, and had undescended testicles, you ordered a GIANT FOOTLOCKER of little green army men. And then you were really fucking disappointed. You could see through them, they were so thin. At least they melted easily. Still, you played with them all over the living room, and it was fun. This time around, they'll be running around on the floor in 3D, climbing up onto the coffee table, cigar stub in mouth: "Come on you fucking dogfaces! Do you want to live forever?" Which is only amusing the first twenty times they say it.
3. Traci, I Love You - A little tip to you about Traci Lords: she's a financial genius. She made a ton of hot underage porn by using a fake ID and birth certificate, made a ton of money, and is probably still the most famous porn star in the world. Plus she might be doing a song with Lords of Acid. Or already did. I didn't check. After her eighteenth birthday, she produced her only legal porn, which she owns the rights to. That really has nothing to do with this: Virtual/Augmented Reality will let you bang a porn star while you have sex with your significant other. Okay, maybe not a sixteen year old Traci, but the possibilities are endless, here. Make a game out of it? Sasha Grey in "Custer's Revenge".


4. Gunshot or Cumshot - My first piece of software uses facial recognition and iris tracking to let you walk around the mall and shoot bullets or semen. MINDBULLETS and MINDSEMEN! Cum on a dude's face, then blow his head off. Shoot some chick, then cum on her neckhole. Expect a small amount of social controversy to follow this game. I've been beta testing it for years, now.
5. Halo/Doom/Crysis 10 - I have to admit, I don't play games like this, but they're undeniably huge. Plus they feed babies to the war machine, so that's always a good thing. But imagine you and your jock buddies running around campus sniping each other, the spray of blood from their arm as you deliver a flesh wound before delivering your Deer Hunter headshot. Imagine getting shot for real by the campus pigs. It'll happen to someone, somewhere. And you read it here and could have prevented it. Fuckhead.

6. Pretty much anything - Very soon, our only limitations will be touch and gravity. Within ten years, people will have the ability to be viewed as their avatars in the real world. Cameron Diaz won't look fat, but she'll still feel fat. Assuming you're Jack Black. Was she in that? Other than flying and making fat girls skinny, this is panacea


It's going to be hell. The world is going to look like fucking Myspace, and you'll have to carry custom CSS just so your eyes don't melt. It'll be more anachronistic and fucked up than when Star Trek nerds go to RenFest. Virtual sex, virtual drugs and virtual violence, an uncrossable gulf for the poor, major social upheaval.

I can't wait.