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Monday, April 9, 2012

How and Why I Am A Motherfucker

This document right here. I hesitate to use the words, "This bitch right here." Because I've now got it down to a magical semi-science, and you can do away with all of your silly worries about fulfilling a few guest blog posts or that your novel is coming along too slowly. What, you're only writing one novel at a time?

Coming up with your own content will now be part and parcel of your being. I realize at this point that I am alleging to be building toward something. I am. I'm trying to, anyhow.

But it's so damn simple. Yet, I know, even at this late hour as I write this, I know it to be true. It will work. If it doesn't, you suck.

Welcome to your new world: the never-ending document.

See? I was already fucking off, reading, stupidly,
http://www.pharopromo.com/1/post/2012/03/5-simple-ways-to-increase-your-productivity.html.

Get the fuck back to work. Because this endless document is your new home. See those four walls, the border around your writing application? That's your fucking castle. Fuck your home. If you're homeless, you'd better get some composition books for your downtime. And what are you reading this for, homeless person, in the first place? Get the fuck back to your job of being homeless.

Do you know how dark and ugly work is for men? Our entire self-worth is derived from how much money we make, how we make it, and women. I'm surprised the suicide rate isn't higher.

So make it your work. Confine yourself in your little box for as long as a real job. I don't know about you, but I am incredibly slack.

But get this. See outside of those four walls? (Erm, you really need to resize the window from full-screen. There's a lad.)  When you're not writing, you should be bringing people to your writing. That usually just involves more writing, one way or another. Email, blog posts, unique tweets, Facebook.

The reason the endless document works is your current workflow doesn't accommodate train-of-though, necessarily. Doing all of your writing in a single document forces you to keep writing, keep polishing. Keep fucking publishing.

You don't necessarily have to keep *saying* keep fucking publishing, but I hope the phrase catches on. Hey, what's your name, Konrath.

I also recommend you take a new, gangsta approach to other writers. "Hey, what are you guys writing about?" Fuck what they're writing about. Your writing needs to be as far away from the rest of them as it can be. Style and original ideas are all any writer has.

Until it's time to promote your work. Then I highly recommend you befriend other writers at your skill level and start working together. There is nothing better than a good review written by a great writer. And you'd better read and review their work, too. It is a two-way street, for sure, on an information superhighway. Ha! First use of that phrase in ten years, I bet.

If you're at all inspired, you'll have ideas added to your document faster than you can expound upon them. Article ideas like this, possibly:

"Skittle flavors are ridiculous. Flavors inside of colors. False colors. False colours in parts of Europe. Skittle Riddles. The riddle is, "Why in the fuck am I eating seven-eights of a pound of Skittles?" But you know, ladies. You know."

But that's just how I'm a motherfucker. *Why* am I feeling sort of trumpety about myself?

Because I just realized the majority of my readers are, and will always be, fabulous, beautiful, intelligent women. That's no accident, but even I always thought I was writing for both men and women. I don't know the ratio, but it's overwhelmingly in favor of women readers.

Why do I think this is cool? Because, let's face it. You can't have sex with them all. Sooner or later, you realize that the best you can do in life is find that one girl and make her the happiest she can be for the rest of her life. So going mind-to-mind with the rest of them is the next best thing. Probably better, because even a cockswain such as myself probably couldn't get that deep into your head just having sex…

And that's also a form of power that's really interesting and unexplored by me, as of yet.

So give it a try. I know how most people work. Get an idea, maybe, open Word or whatever. Don't. First of all, Word on all platforms is too slow for this kind of stuff. Use some Notepad-type app that always blazes.

An intermediary step might be to start drafts of your article ideas directly on your blog as they come to you, but that is a half-assed way to go.

Both of these approaches are complete failures compared to the volume of output you'll get if you adopt the endless document method. Oh, excuse me, I have to go post this to my blog. Or send it as a guest post. And then I have to get back here, because I have a killer idea for a new blog post…

Bam! See how that works? I've already started writing another article. And check the word count. Get back to work.